September 17, 2010

Panic Be Gone!

Okay been a while since I've written on this piece. Fail.

The last week has been quite a whirlwind. I can't believe it's already Friday again. Living life on a day to day schedule that never looks the same makes the days flow remarkably fast. Since last writing I've gone from feeling incredibly high, to insanely low and back up to my happy balanced self.

I've pulled myself out of the production of Pippin. (Cue gasps of shock here). In school we're constantly taught that we should take every opportunity to perform no matter what it is. Experience is experience...right? After spending a lot of hours stressing over the decision I woke up yesterday with some sort of clarity, thank you to whoever sent that my way, and realized I could not commit the time and money to the project that it warranted. Although I didn't get the dance teaching job (sad face) I feel that there are more things in store for me, not to mention even without that job I'm still working in Malibu once and week, Playa Del Rey 1-2 days a week, and auditioning all over town. It adds up to A LOT of gas, time, and money therefore I decided I couldn't afford to be driving an hour EVERY NIGHT to rehearsals out in the Valley. It's just too much.

I couldn't help but feel an insane amount of relief after officially sending the email about having to depart from the production. By nature I worry a lot about every one else and how my actions will make them feel and often forget to take my own well being, sanity, or feelings. For the first time I made a decision based on what I felt I really needed, without being selfish, and it felt damn good. Not to mention this weekend without being tied to those rehearsals still brings me a full load of commitments.

I think I've said this before but I think I am the busiest unemployed person ever. I guess technically I'm teaching my dance classes and working at Pepperdine, but still, those don't quite add up to a full day job. Tomorrow I will be driving down to Vista (near San Diego) to audition to assist in choreography for the Miss California USA pageant. I'm actually super stoked. I already made up my minute of super girlie, 'stancer' choreography to Katy Perry's California Girls (their song choice not mine, but quite fitting for the project). Then on Sunday I'll be heading back to UCLA to help put some numbers from Cabaret back together with whoever is in town to be presented at Orientation on Monday morning. Talk about insta-choreo. Hopefully I still have everyone's spacing written down in my original binder from the show, we shall see. After that rehearsal I head all the way down to Fullerton for a vocal rehearsal for a concert I've been cast in. I'm excited for the rehearsal but I just downloaded all the group songs they wanted us to learn and it's A LOT. Gotta find time to learn those before Sunday afternoon.

Phew, I'm tired just thinking about the next few days. But I'm approaching it with an open mind and with a smile. I've learned from yoga that no matter how difficult things get physically, if you keep your mind light and a slight smile on your face, everything just gets easier. Something my yoga teacher often says at the end of class is "no matter how difficult warrior 3, or the crow pose can be, it's a thousand times easier that what you'll encounter in your day to day life." But if we keep breathing and releasing eventually things will get easier. I had my share of panic moments this week, but I've learned from the practice that these moments never last long. It's your life, and it's too short to remain in a state of fear, stress, anger, and tension. I guess it's easy for my to say this now that my panic has passed. But I know it will be back sometime trying to pull me into the darkness of self doubt. Force me to ask the questions like "what the hell am I doing with my life?!...who are you kidding, you'll never make call yourself an artist?!" Thankfully I can lay in savasana and push all of those thoughts away from my mind and make room for the universe to fill me with wisdom and guidance.

Good things are coming my way, even if I have to wait for a little while. I'll be here, trying to make the most of this life. Cooking good food, enjoying the company of friends and trying to make sense of this real life I've only begun to enter.

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