September 2, 2012


It's been almost an entire year since my last post. Time sure flies doesn't it?

It's hard to believe that two years after starting this blog I actually feel like a "real person". Well at least a little bit. Sure there's always the anxiety of bills, rent, and life in general but I can honestly say I am in love with this time of my life. I don't have the longing to be back in the safety of school and also no desire to grow up anymore than I have so far. I think that's really the secret. Regardless of the scary parts that are waiting around every corner, if you can find the good things, and happy things, the parts of this crazy life that fulfill you, the other stuff falls away. Of course, this isn't an easy task. It's something we all deal with daily. Hourly even.

I sit in my apartment, coffee in hand, armed and ready for another day of not much to do. Since getting back to Los Angeles I've begun rehearsals on a new production of Into The Woods which has kept me busy in the evenings but left me with a lot of mornings to fill. At first I was loving this freedom. Time for new dance classes and sleeping past 10 am. What a thrill! But now I find myself feeling guilty. Days off are great when they've been earned. And while I am working my butt off in and out of Woods rehearsal I still feel that so much free time is unwarranted. When I first returned home my goal had been, like many young performers, to not get back into the day job game. This goal that once felt oh so attainable has become less and less so. Partially for financial reasons but also because I can't stand to be so idle all the time. I guess this is just the curse of my high energy and go-non-stop attitude. I'm sure my parents would tell me to luxuriate in the free time since it finds me so infrequently. But I did luxuriate, and now I am ready for what is next.

Another hesitation for this whole "to day job or not to day job" dilemma is letting go of what I wanted my life to look like when I got home. Truly what I want is to have a full schedule of doing what I love. Whether it be teaching, choreographing, rehearsing, or more likely a combination of everything. But at what point do I have to say, maybe right now is not the moment for that? Isn't that a big part of becoming this real person, understanding financial realities and responsibilities? I try to live by a certain motto thanks to Ms. Julia Cameron of Artist's Way that we should "leap and the net will appear" that we should let the universe take care of it. But how long can I wait for the universe? And more importantly, is that even what the universe has in store for me right now? Maybe it thinks I need to grow up a little more before I am rewarded with the life I think I want. Or maybe it's knocking me off my high horse for a moment and bringing me back to this humble earth. It could be any of these things, and yet none at all.

So we go on the journey, winding down the path because really we have no other choice. And when I find the opportunity to leap, I can only hope I'll have the courage to do so knowing something will be there to catch me.

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